| Sod Every Dog Gone J. D. Roberts in the World (Except Me) |
[15 Jun 2008|10:21am] |
from (first name withheld) (last name withheld) (emailaddresswithheld)@gmail.com
to jdroberts@gmail.com
date Fri, Jun 13, 2008 at 2:14 PM
mailed-by gmail.com
whats up punk ass...how was your trip??? i saw photos on arlette's facebook....looks like you guys had a good time. call me so we can catch up, we need to get together soon.
love you tons
k
from Jonathan Roberts jdroberts@gmail.com
to (first name withheld) (last name withheld) (e-mailaddresswithheld)@gmail.com
date Sun, Jun 15, 2008 at 10:09 AM
subject Re:
mailed-by gmail.com
(first name withheld),
I'm sorry but I think you have reached the wrong person. I did take a
short vacation last month, but I don't know anyone named Arlette.
This sort of thing happens to me all the time. A few years ago a
lady I've never met sent me an e-mail saying she has met me at a house
party not long before, and that I had given her my e-mail address and
another lady I've never met sent me an e-mail telling me how much she
was going to miss me while I was in Japan and told me to promise to
write to her. It took about a week to finalliy convinced her I wasn't
the J. D. Roberts she was looking for because she thought I was joking
with her. A few months ago another lady I've never met sent me her
daughter's senior pictures, thinking I was a relative.
I don't suppose you really wanted to know all that but I don't want
you to think the person you were trying to e-mail is even more of a
punk ass for not responding :(
Sincerely,
Jonathan Roberts
And I left out the electronic receipt for the risque build-a-bear some pervert ordered for his wench of a girlfriend on Valentine's Day 2004 and the little girl who registered for an account on disney.com listing my e-mail address as if I were her parent or legal guardian.
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| The Worst Restaurant Experience in the History of the Universe |
[07 Jun 2008|08:34am] |
On July 2, 2008, Melanie, Bella and I went to a sorry excuse for a restaurant known as Ming Fu, in Cureton Town Center, on NC Highway 16, in Waxhaw, NC for lunch. We're not in the habit of eating lunch at sorry excuses for restaurants, but in our defense we were unaware of Ming Fu's place atop the pantheon of sorry excuses for restaurants.
I ordered the pineapple chicken, and the waiter mistakenly served me pineapple shrimp. I detest shrimp for some reason, but as a reasonable man I realize no one is perfect and one incorrect order is hardly sufficient cause to wish immolation on an eatery and it's entire staff so I started eating the rice, carrots and pineapple sauce without wasting any time lamenting the chicken. To be honest, what I really wanted was pineapple beef, but that wasn't even on the menu.
Melanie knows how much I loathe shrimp, and very politely pointed out the mistake to the waiter. He responded by asking her "what? Is he allergic to shrimp?," and stormed off. I continued eating around the vile sea-creatures for about five minutes, at which point the villain of this tale returned and whisked away the mildly offending dish, with a highly offending glance in my direction and nary a word.
Eventually the fiend returned, and bestowed upon me what appeared to be a run of the mill plate of pineapple chicken. I wasn't privy to exactly what happened between, but based on the direction things were heading until the point at which he took the shrimp away, and the direction things headed after he brought me the chicken, and the fact that Ming Fu is still in business, I think its safe to assume the Union County Department of Health wasn't privy to it either, and not entirely outside the realm of possibility that the chicken was in the privies.
I was feeling ravenous by the time the chicken arrived at my table, and unsuspectingly devoured the majority of it in short order, only to find a tag floating inconspicuously in a puddle of pineapple sauce, as if had every right to be there... as if pineapples naturally grew tags inside of them, except this tag looked more like the sort found in the middle of the elastic waistband on a pair of men's briefs. I plucked the tag out of its unnatural habitat, and upon closer inspection I determined it actually came from a 100% cotton mop head. Finding the tag from a mop head in one's food is certainly not as bad as finding an underwear tag in one's food, but its still just cause to righteously wish immolation on an eatery and it's entire staff.
I excused myself to the privies, ostensibly to rinse the sticky pineapple sauce and mop bucket water cocktail off my hands but also to count to ten lest I do something completely morally justified yet prohibited by law such as arson. Meanwhile, Melanie pointed out the tag to the waiter and explained where I found it, and he asked her "what do you want me to do about it?" I wasn't there, but I suspect Melanie exercised more self-control than the cumulative total possessed by the combined brethren of a decently-sized monastic order by not telling him exactly what she'd like him to do with it. If I had been there I would have most likely told him I had a fatal allergy to tags, and requested emergency medical attention but I wasn't there, which is a shame because I would have really enjoyed saying that.
I'd like to encourage anyone who lives in the Charlotte area, or who is the proprietor of a blog which had a significant readership in the Charlotte area to assist me in disseminating the message that Ming Fu is a nasty place by copying this announcement and posting it, in it's glorious entirety, in their own blog. If anyone does so, I will give serious consideration to the idea of taking him/her out for lunch at the establishment of his/her choosing.
DISCLAIMER: Anyone who attempts to take me up on the above offer and chooses the establishment Ming Fu will rue the day.
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| A few questions about coquettishness |
[18 Jan 2008|03:54am] |
Random Girl Who Wanted a Refund: Can I get a refund for my ticket?
Movie Theater Manager: Ummmmmmmmm ok.
Random Girl's Friend: We should go home and watch Monty Python
Random Girl Who Wanted a refund: But I've seen it so many times before...
Movie Theater Manager: Its worth seeing again. Especially the part about watery tarts handing out swords not being a legitimate basis for a form of government. Anyway I suppose I owe you $7.50.
Random Girl Who Wanted a Refund: You could give me $8.00 if you wanted.
Movie Theater Manager: No I couldn't. There would be severe repercussions. Not for you but definitely for me and also possibly for the local economy.
Question 1: Did any flirtation occur in the above hypothetical conversation?
Question 2: If so, on whose part and where?
Question 3: If so, then how was it in any way flirtacious?
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| Abusive Children |
[26 Dec 2007|11:03pm] |
I went into work today more piratically attired than yesterday and got totally dissed. Very shortly after my arrival a small child in a Captain Jack Sparrow hat appearing to be no more than three or four years of age pointed to me and said "look, a pirate! Arrrrrrr!," so I said "avast, matey! How arrrrrre ye?," and his father asked if I would pose for a picture with the kid and I agreed to do so but the kid said to me "I'm not taking a picture with you! I don't know you!," and refused to have his picture taken with me.
Another insolent whelp who was probably closed to the age of five brazenly walked up and drew my sword from my belt and threatened me with it and there wasn't much I could do because I think my employer's corporate regulations have a specific prohibition against b****slapping little brats even if they totally deserve it so I merely laughed and told him to give my sword back and then turn over the contraband Coca-Cola he was attempting to smuggle into my territorial waters whilst his older sister mercifully restrained him and returned my property to its rightful owner. The worst part was that the little hoodlum was wearing an Eli Manning jersey. Grr. I mean arr.
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| I broke my eyepatch |
[26 Dec 2007|03:43am] |
I was, of course, in piratical attire at work today. A youngling thought that I had really poked my eye out and asked me if my eye was ok so I flipped my eyepatch up to show him that my eye was, in fact, fully intact and he seemed satisfied with that but when I flipped my eyepatch down the elastic snapped and it broke so I had to be a two-eyed pirate for the rest of the day but at least I had a pirate hat with a peacock feather and I got a new eyepatch and some earrings and a respectable sword for tomorrow so its all good.
Nothing else that I would consider to be of any interest happened to occur aside from the usual kid or two who called me Jack Sparrow (I corrected one of them because he didn't call me Captain Jack Sparrow) and a few ladies liked my hat but not me (but that happens all the time... story of my life
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| Fo' Shizzle My Mizzle |
[06 Nov 2007|01:10am] |
Fo' Shizzle My Mizzle
I was watching a basketball game with my mother last night and she was checking the Yankees game on espn.com and she said "A-Rod hit a double and drove in two runs. You have to give him props for that." I suppose I should explain that it is a well-known fact that I disrespect Alex Rodriguez because he is the least clutch hitter alive and can't produce when it counts in close games or in the postseason but the point is that my mom referred to "giving someone props." I normally make a point of avoiding that sort of lingo when speaking to her because she wouldn't understand it and I'd have to explain it to her and she'd most likley end up believing it was some sort of super secret pimp jargon... after all, she thinks that people are going to think that I work in the "finding work for prostitutes" industry because I wear a red hat with a peacock feather in it. I was too shocked to ask her where she picked up that phrase from and now I'm half-expecting her to respond by saying "fo' shizzle, my nizzle" next time I ask her a question.
That reminds me... a youthful looking customer came in last weekend and tried to purchase a ticket for an R-rated film from me.
Me: Are you eighteen (18) years of age or over?
Youthful Looking Customer: Fo' shizzle!
Me: *skeptical glance* I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term.
Youthful Looking Customer: It means... "for sure."
Me: You better be, or you're in some trouble, fo' rizzle. Now show me your ID.
Youthful Looking Customer: Fo' shizzle, fo' shizzle.
He never did call me his nizzle for some reason. I suppose that was a dis?
I had a great group of kids for a birthday party yesterday... about twenty (20) ten (10) to twelve (12) year old boys. A few of them actually came in to see another movie today and remembered me and liked my Spiderman tie for the second day in a row. They all told me that the Spiderman tie I wore yesterday was awesome but none of them thought it made it look like I found work for prostitutes. The birthday boy's mother said I appeared to "really be in my element" whist giving the tour. I hope that by that she meant that projection is "my element" because I shudder at the thought of the possibility that my home is the Elemental Plane of Having Twenty (20) Kids. That would suck.
Twelve (12) Year Old Boy: What would happen if the bulb exploded?
Me: Not much... it would be loud but the explosion would be contained inside the lamphouse.
Twelve (12) Year Old Boy: How much of the building would get blown up if the lamphouse wasn't there when the bulb exploded?
Me: Not much actually, only the immediate area around the projector.
Twelve (12) Year Old Boy: What if you were standing next to it when it exploded?
Me: You'd get glass in your eye.
No point in sugarcoating things for these kids. I tell it to them straight, fo' shizzle.
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| a survey of sorts i suppose |
[22 Oct 2007|07:04am] |
Comment, and I'll:
1 - Tell you why I friended you.
2 - Associate you with a song/film.
3 - Tell a random fact about you.
4 - Tell a first memory about you.
5 - Associate you with a character/pairing. (Anyone know what they mean by "pairing"?)
6 - Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7 - Tell you my favorite user pic of yours [if it pertains].
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| I realized something at work today |
[21 Oct 2007|11:27pm] |
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I want my own Gollum to drag around on a leash and make him do my evil bidding, especially at work. I could sic him on people that irked me and tell him that a couple of teenagers who snuck into Aqua Teen Hunger Force want to hurt the precious and command him to bring them to me (with his help I might even be better than the esteemed Mr. Jacob Collins in that field) and generally get into the most hilarious random hijinks with him.
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| I still read piratey books |
[20 Oct 2007|02:24am] |
A possibly unintentional double entendre from a book that I just finished reading (italics added by me):
Venereal diseases were so common that pirates boarding a prize ship would often head straight to the medicine chest, and ransack it for the mercury compounds then used to treat syphillis, before plundering the ship for booty.
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| An Addition to "The Official Requirements?" |
[14 Oct 2007|01:57am] |
A #3 combo is a medium soft drink & a medium popcorn. This information is relevant.
Customer Lady: I'll have a #3 combo without popcorn
Me: Without popcorn... like a bag full of butter?
Customer Lady: What?
Me: The #3 combo comes with a medium popcorn, but I could just give you a bag of butter instead with maybe just one or two pieces of popcorn floating on top I guess.
Customer Lady: Haha. Sorry, I meant without butter but that's how my husband likes it.
Me: So you're enjoying the chance for butter-free popcorn while you're here alone with the kids?
Customer Lady: Yeah!
Me: Its a very divisive issue. I see couples argue about whether they're getting butter or not all the time here.
Customer Lady: Haha.
Me: Actually when I ask a lady out I ask her about that first, so there won't be any trouble, just to get it out of the way first... like "if we went to a movie together would you insist on getting a lot of butter on your popcorn? Is that non-negotiable?" Because if it is, then there's no way that's going to work out.
Of course that's a load of bollocks because I don't eat popcorn when I go to see a movie, with or without a lady (not that I've seen a movie with a lady in ages but that's neither here nor there). A lady at a movie with me could get a large popcorn and I wouldn't touch it the whole time except possibly to be a gentleman and carry it for her if necessary but on the other hand if this hypothetical lady insisted on sharing a box of Reese's Pieces with layered butter I'd take her ticket back and get a refund for it and watch the movie alone.
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| Guerilla Warfare |
[05 Sep 2007|11:17pm] |
This morning at work a huge Monster Energy Drink truck pulled up into the fire lane outside the theater and a couple of Monster Energy Drink people burst into the theater with a sizeable cache of Monster Energy Drink during a rush. They shoved a few through the hole in the box office window to the box office cashier and gave one to an older gentleman who was taking tickets and came up to the concession stand. One of them asked me if I would like a Monster Energy Drink and I said I was too busy serving a customer (because it was really busy and there was only one (1) concessionist) but that I would get back to them if they could wait a minute but I guess when you're a Monster Energy Drink guerilla warrior you don't have time to wait because the two (2) of them slammed SIX! (6!) Monster Energy Drinks on the counter of the concession stand and hurried off very quickly. I know this sounds highly improbable but it really did happen and I am not embellishing in the slightest.
Also an employee ( prank called me )
I had to give him props for that.
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| How to Be Extremely Dumb for Dummies |
[04 Sep 2007|07:12am] |
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I've decided that the title of the chapter about customers in my autobiography is going to be How to Be Extremely Dumb For Dummies. Until I get around to writing it here is ( an excerpt )
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| My Mum's Reaction to the Peacock Feather in My Hat |
[02 Sep 2007|05:47am] |
Scene: In the kitchen as I am leaving for work
My Mum: Is that a new feather?
Me: Yes!
My Mum: People are going to start to think that your line of work is... *awkward pause as she searches for the right words* finding work for prostitutes.
Me: Oh, no... it isn't like that.
My Mom: *disapproving mother tone of voice* That's what it looks like!
Me: Idon'tdothat!SorryIhavetogotoworknowbye! *exits rather hurriedly*
I love my mom, even when she's being a hater. She'll warm up to the feather eventually.
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| Permission to Slap Me (In the Face) |
[29 Aug 2007|03:29am] |
I woke up this morning with a Gloria Estefan song stuck in my head and I've been trying to get it out all day. Usually the easiest way for me to do that is to listen to a song as much as possible as it goes away. Once I even had to buy an album of hits from the disco era to get Kool & the Gang's "Ladies' Night" out of my head... not that it isn't a great song but even great songs get old when they are stuck in your head and you can't get them out.
Anyway I spent most of the day at work with my headphones on listening to the album this particular song was on trying to get it out of my head but that didn't work so I'm thinking its time for a little negative reinforcement. If anyone hears me absentmindedly singing something like
Voy a llenar tu cuerpo de amor ¡Ay!"
Para que nazcan flores de ti y de mi
Voy a saciar la sed de mi amor en ti
Hasta que las estrellas se apiadan de mi
You have my permission to slap me (in the face) and don't feel obligated to take it easy on me. Leave a mark if you have to.
I realize that those lyrics are potentially very incriminating but I am quite sure that there is no subconscious reason for them to be in my head at this time. It has more to with my affection for traditional cuban rythym than anything else.
It also reminds me that my friend who got married last weekend was absentmindly singing a song all day which he said was "stupid" and he said he was going to have to ask the DJ to play it at the reception because the only way to get a stupid song out of your head is to hear it. If I ever get married I am going to only listen to good music like Shakira or Miles Davis for at least a month before the wedding so I don't have to choose between having a stupid song played at my wedding reception or risking a very awkward sitation later that evening such as:
Me: *begins consumating marriage*
Hypothetical Señora Roberts: *begins consumating marriage*
Me: *begins absentmindedly singing Puffy Amiyumi*
Hypothetical Señora Roberts: *stops consumating marriage* Why are you singing Shonen Knife?
Me: Shut up! Its not Shonen Knife, its Puffy Amiyumi!
Hypothetical Señora Roberts: You're such a loser. And why are you still wearing that stupid red hat with a peacock feather?
Me: But I thought you liked the hat!
Hypothetical Señora Roberts: *flounces out of both the room and my life in a tempestous fit with an indignant shake of her head*
I could totally see it happening exactly like that.
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| Reserve your copy now |
[21 Aug 2007|06:47am] |
In about ten (10) years I am going to write my autobiography. It will be entitled The Non-Pornographic Life & Times of Jonathan Roberts and this will be the cover:
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| The one thing worse than vandalism... |
[11 Aug 2007|05:32pm] |
I went out to my car this morning and someone had egged it overnight which really sucked. It wasn't too hard to clean up because it was only a single egg on the windshield and my windshield wipers still work so ha! But the deeper issue here is that some punk rat bastard kid decided to egg my car but couldn't even be bothered to do it right. One (1) egg! I get more than that with my toast at Waffle House! And it didn't even get on the paint at all! That's more disrespectful than a full, proper egging. I'd like to think that anyone who would want to practice such villainry against me would at least consider me worth an entire carton of eggs but noooooooooo. Apparently I'm not. What the blazes?
Or maybe it has nothing to do with me and it was just some lazy kid who felt like egging a car but was too much of a lazyarsed slacker to do it properly. If so, that's pathetic. I do not condone vandalism by any means but anything worth doing is worth doing right even if it isn't really worth doing to anyone with half a brainfull of sense. There is something wrong with our society when the unmotivated, disaffected, rebellious youth can't even muster the gumption to be properly unmotivatedly and disaffectedly rebellious pursuit of their own ruination and status as a blight upon society. What is the point of halfarsed vandalism?
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[08 Jun 2007|09:35pm] |
Tonight's game began similarly to last night's with the Blue Devils taking an early lead with Carolina making a serious run at a comeback throughout the second half with both teams playing basketball The Way Basketball Should Be Played with a higher level of intensity than one would expect from a mere matchup of undefeated #1 vs. #2 with only a few significant differences. Neither team exhibited the virtue of Good Free Throw Shooting in the Second Half and they combined to shoot 4-32 from behind the arc but in light of the outcome I suppose I can overlook that.
The game was played at Duke's pace. No foolishly wearing themselves out attempting to run with the Heels like the men did last night and therefore no horrible downfall when Carolina made their attempt at a comeback. Duke stuck to their style of play and executed their game plan nearly to perfection as did Carolina with one glaring exception (aside from the aforementioned difficulties suffered by both teams from behind the arc). Ivory Latta was 3-20 from the field but it wasn't really her fault, seeing as how she had to contend with the defense of Lindsey Harding for most of the game and a merely mortal player would have been closer to 0-20 or with a little luck possibly 1-20 under those circumstances. No disrespect to Ivory Latta, of course. After all, I am convinced that she is without a doubt the future Mrs. Lebron James for some reason but despite all the hype and even despite her considerable talents she is not the greatest women's college basketball player in all the land. In a just world that distinction would go to Lindsey Harding (who I am convinced has no interest in being the future Mrs. Jonathan Roberts for some reason) at least for now, pending further review after the rematch between these two (2) teams later in the season.
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| Bugger the Carolina gama |
[07 Jun 2007|09:27pm] |
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But not really. Other than the outcome it was the epitome of everything that is beautiful, glorious, wonderful and downright virtuous about basketball. Except The Virtue of Good Free Throw Shooting in the Second Half, especially on the part of the home team which is exactly why they lost the game. The outcome had nothing to do with who was the more talented or better coached team or who had a deeper bench. It didn't even come down to who wanted it more because both teams wanted it more than anyone who has never been to that sort of game could ever possibly comprehend even if they watched a million such games on the telly. It came down to the fact that the home team failed to demonstrate The Virtue of Good Free Throw Shooting in the Second Half which goes to show the importance of said virtue. If God were to issue a Ten Commandments of Basketball I am 100% confident that Thou shalt exhibit The Virtue of Good Free Throw Shooting in the Second Half would be in the top two or three, right up there with If thou must foul, foul hard. March 4th had better be more of the same except with the visiting team victorious.
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